I always thought that if my life were saved then I'd be kissing the ground with joyous thanks every day for my second chance. But I'm learning things are more complicated than that. I wasn't prepared for the psychological part of recovery.
Being faced with the possibility you might not survive what you're going through is a type of trauma. My illness was so sudden I suppose the nearest comparison is a serious accident. It's an experience which takes time to adjust to. I know life can be unpredictable but I sort of blindly and stupidly assumed I'd be around until I was 85. Potentially getting no further than 37 was a difficult discovery.
I don't really know what a flashback is. But I've found there are triggers which set off a dark memory I chose to forget when I was very ill. For some bizarre reason watching a Harry Potter film triggered something unpleasant and forgotten. From now on I'll stick to U rated stuff like Finding Nemo. Taste and smell do weird things too. Wearing an oxygen mask for a long time leaves a distinctive taste in your mouth and now and again I can taste it again. For no apparent reason whatsoever. With that comes memories of things I wanted to forget at the time.
Actually this week has been better which is why I'm blogging about it. And I'm hoping that some of these things I wasn't prepared for will wear off soon. But I know (because I've been told) that it's a long process and when those dark moments come back I guess the best thing is to acknowledge them. And talk about them (to anyone who's interested in hearing about complete gloom).
There are lots of other emotions to contend with: frustration, irritability, impatience and anxiety. One of the strongest emotions is guilt. Most mums suffer with guilt and illness manages to pile it on even more. I feel guilty for being ill and the effect it's had on my husband, children and family. I feel guilty that I can't properly be me, I feel guilty that I'm a half-person who's often grumpy and can't do much or go anywhere.
So that gratefulness is hard to find at the moment. But it's not all doom and gloom. There are happy moments too and I'm at my happiest when I'm laughing with my husband and managing the energy to do normal day to day things with my children. Just enjoying the simple things in life. And maybe that's being grateful after all.
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